Published on MediaPost, 28 July 2023
As a leader, one of the constants of my existence is a divine dissatisfaction. I’m never happy: This needs to be tweaked, that needs to be adjusted. Relentless improvement is my daily bread and my unwavering focus.
Accompanying this is a tendency toward frustration: How come this hasn’t been tweaked? How come that hasn’t been adjusted?
Even worse, the judgment: What is wrong with these people?
But I know there’s no way for me to be effective as a leader when I’m frustrated and judging. So I focus instead on what needs to be fixed. We have a clear discussion about it: “Let’s tweak this and adjust that. All on the same page?”
Sure, sure. Nods all around. And then, the following week: This new thing needs to be tweaked; that new thing needs to be adjusted.
It can’t be me. I had a clear discussion about it. I told them what needs tweakjusting (or adtweaking). Maybe they just suck.
Frustration rises. Judgment rises. It starts to seep into my “clear” discussions. My belief about the team sucking starts to make itself known: an oh-so-slight eyeroll, a faint sharpening of the tone in my reply.
And they pick up on it. We humans are exquisitely sensitive to being judged and found wanting. So my team starts to grasp at straws, scramble to get it right. They rush; they become self-conscious. They fumble and stumble.
My frustration and judgment grow. I’m now certain it’s them; after all, I’ve tried everything!
Does any of this sound familiar?
It happens all the time, reflective of a false core paradigm. The core paradigm in this scenario is one that says your job is to do the work and my job is to fine-tune you. To fix you.
Embedded in that idea is the implication that there is something to fix.
But if someone on my team is not delivering, there are three options within my power:
Upskill them.
Adjust my expectations for what they can deliver, and therefore what I ask of them, or
Move them on.
None of these options requires me to be frustrated. What they require is a frank and fearless assessment of where people are, what the organisation needs, and how those two things intersect.
My frustration doesn’t come from people letting me down. It comes from my unwillingness or inability to do the things I need to do as a leader.
But I had a clear discussion with them! OK, and it’s still not working, so now what?
Do I feel like this issue is something that can be addressed through upskilling? I need to have the conversation again in a different way. Do I feel like this is never going to be part of their skillset? I need to find someone else — another employee, a contractor — to get that particular job done. Do I believe their basket of skillsets is insufficient to deliver what the role needs? I need to move them to a different role or help them find something somewhere else that works for them.
There’s a famous saying about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Expecting our teams to be anyone other than who they are is unfair on them. When we find ourselves frustrated with our teams, there's no joy in focusing on how they’re letting us down. All our power is in what we’re going to do about it. That’s where true leadership resides.
Kaila Colbin, Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator
Founder and CEO, Boma
