I didn't have a drinking problem — but I did drink every day.
I didn't have a drinking problem — but I ordered wine by the case.
I didn't have a drinking problem — but I looked forward to 5pm. Or sure, why not, 4:30pm.
My drinking was well within the bounds of social acceptability. I drank 1-3 glasses of wine a day. Maybe a whiskey before I went to bed. I made all the cliché jokes: The sun's over the yardarm somewhere!
But in the back of my mind a small voice asked, You sure you got this under control?
No worries, I answered myself. I'll just stop ordering wine by the case and that will reduce how much I drink at home.
But instead I found myself engineering social events. "Let's catch up for a drink!" "You going to that networking thing?"
I was gearing up to go to a conference — actually an unconference — a 3-day campout with a bunch of my favourite people. I'd been to this event before, and it was decadent: plenty of alcohol for social lubrication, whiskey and Werewolf until 2 in the morning.
Historically, I'd have been drinking pretty much from when I arrived. But just before I headed out, I got sick.
This was pre-Covid days, when it was normal to go to the thing anyway. (Obviously immune-compromised folks were suffering from this attitude since long before Covid. I've learned, and I'm sorry.)
Anyways, I went. But because I wasn't feeling well, I ended up only drinking one glass of wine over the whole weekend.
And I was shocked.
Shocked at how good I felt. Even though I was sick, I felt way better at the end of that weekend than I had felt in previous years when I was healthy but drinking.
A few days later, I took a trip to the States. Again, my typical MO would have been a glass of wine (or two) in the lounge. One when I boarded the plane. One with dinner. Maybe a final one when they came through with the top-ups.
But I didn't have any. And again I was shocked at how good I felt. The plane trip was easy. I got over the jetlag way faster.
During the trip itself, I would have been drinking in the evenings, but I held off. I had more energy, more focus, clearer attention.
After a month or two, it dawned on me that I wasn't waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing anymore. Yep, you've got it right: I was waking up with my heart racing, and I hadn't put two and two together that it might be connected to alcohol.
That glass of wine at the conference was the last glass of wine I drank. It's been more than five years, and I don't miss booze in any way. It's also a great time to be sober: it's kind of in fashion and there are so many creative non-alc options.
To be clear: I'm not saying you should stop drinking. If you enjoy it and it works for you, fantastic!
It took me far too long to learn that it doesn't work for me. But now that I've learned it, I'm not looking back.
Ngā mihi maioha / warm regards,
Kaila
